Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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