Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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