You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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