Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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