the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
