So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize