May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
