It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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