I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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