What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
