make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize