You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
