ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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