Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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