sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Boobs speak an international language.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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