life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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