I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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