Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
