i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
True strength comes from lack of pants
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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