Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
