I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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