i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
