3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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