I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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