its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
