Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
