yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
