I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
