you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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