Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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