I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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