the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
