My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
