You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
