I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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