I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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