the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
