Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
