I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
