Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drake has all the answers
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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