He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
