i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
