i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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