dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
