ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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