How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My bed smells like the plague
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
