You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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