it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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