What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
