happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
His nipple licking is glorious
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