rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Randomize
