You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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