New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
