im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He felt like a one man threesome
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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