we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize