Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Someone came in the potted fern
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
