Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
