i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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