He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
