Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
