theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
