Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
