I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
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