I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
