Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
